It’s been a while. I promise the posting title will make
sense…..several years ago I was diagnosed with post-partum anxiety. My son was
about 9 months old when the diagnosis came. I didn’t even know you could have post-partum
anything that late, but alas, it was my fate. I began taking anti-anxiety
medication and even stayed on it through my last pregnancy. It was not
something I talked about, and in fact, I was quite embarrassed that I have
anxiety.
Well, with all that life has thrown at me over the past few
years (full-time job, full-time Master’s program, step-kids, 2nd
marriage, floods, kids moving around, 7 moves in 3 years, you know…..LIFE!), I
have had a hard time keeping my anxiety in check. I don’t share any of those
stressors for sympathy, in fact, it drives me nuts when people tell me I am
some sort of super hero Mom that handles all these things. Because, ask my
family….I don’t always handle my life with grace. In fact, most days I feel
like I am crawling out of my skin. It’s exhausting keeping a calm, happy face
at work, and then coming home to a dirty house, or kids that have sat all day
and watched TV, or knowing I have mounds of laundry, etc. Being a mom is hard.
Being a full-time working Mom is HARD, and being a step-mom is one of, if not
THE hardest thing I have ever done in my life. We all have struggles. We all
have stress. And sometimes, I handle my stress pretty well, and sometimes I
totally freak out. Majorly freak out. I am not proud of it. In fact, I hate it.
Often times my husband will tell me that I love to stress myself out. WRONG! I
do not love it. It just happens. I beat myself up over and over in my head,
frequently asking myself why on earth something SO SMALL would make me so angry.
Or why on earth I reacted the way I did. Most of the time I have no answers.
So, I decided to go back to the doctor yesterday and ask him
to fix me. I wanted different medication or something to make me better. I know
some people are totally against medication, and that is fine….we are all
entitled to our opinions, but personally am thankful for medication and the
advancements we have in the medical field. I have tried rubbing oils all over
my feet and my hands, and they make me smell like I am wearing mosquito
repellant, and they didn’t work for me….this isn’t about that…this is about
what works for me. So, yes, he changed my medication, and I am praying it will
help me handle a few of my life stresses, but two things he said to me have
changed my perspective…..
1. There was some medication I have for difficult
moments, but I have been reluctant to take it. I filled the prescription in
March, and I still have some left. When he asked me why I hadn’t been taking
it, I told him I was worried I would become dependent on it and I didn’t want
that. He explained a few things to me, which made me feel better, but his main
question was, “What about your quality of life?” Hmmmmm, right, what about
that? I WANT to feel better and I want to be happy. I am NOT ashamed to say
that I am taking medication. There is a chemical unbalance in my brain. I take
medication. The End on that.
2.
He told me that I needed to do something for ME.
ME???? I don’t have time for me. I am so tired in the morning. I am so tired
after work. He asked me if I have a hobby. Nope. I don’t. I used to, but I don’t
anymore. He suggested that I just get up 15 minutes earlier and do something for
me. ANYTHING for ME. So, I dusted off my sneakers this morning. About 1 ½ years
ago I ran a ½ marathon. Today I could barely squeak out 2 miles. But, my run
today was for ME. No one else. Just me. It felt so good.
I was researching how to help people with anxiety because my
husband doesn’t get it. He asked me how to help me, and I didn’t even know. So,
I wanted to share this article with you….
I share this post with you all today to let you know there
is nothing wrong with you if you struggle with anxiety. For some reason we don’t
talk about it. But, I am who I am because of my anxiety. I am who I am because
of the things I have experienced in life. My struggles and my happy times have
molded me into the person I am today. I am SOOOOO far from perfect, but I am so
thankful to know that I have a good support system. I struggle on a daily basis
with the trials in my life, and being the best I can be, but I know that God
loves us. I know that God hears our prayers and our cries for help, and HE IS
THERE. I know it. I have felt His hands helping me when I just didn’t think I
had anything left to give. So, to my friends that struggle like I do, there is
hope. To my friends that have no idea what it feels like to feel like your
chest is closing in on you and you can’t breathe, be grateful, but be
supportive to those around you that may be beating themselves up inside because
they aren’t handling things like you think they should. We are all unique. We
are all children of God, and that is what really matters! Hats off to all of us
that dust off our sneakers and get something done to be better.