I have struggled. Really struggled. Now, don't get me wrong, I love my step-kids. They are fun, outgoing, silly kids. BUT....they are not MY kids. I did not feel them move around in my belly when I was big and pregnant. I didn't give birth to them and hold them when they were tiny. I didn't kiss their owies when they were little kids. I didn't bond with them for years and years and years. When Brett and I started dating, his kids were 14, 12, 10, and 8.
I still thought I could just jump right in and love, and that that love would be reciprocated right away. I was wrong. Like any good relationship, love takes time, and work. A lot of work. I have had good days where I feel love like my own, and I have had bad days where I want to run away and not look back----although I KNOW I would regret that fully.
So, as I have struggled with this, I have thought, "How can I love a child that isn't mine?" I have thought. I have prayed. I have pondered and mediated, and I have come to a conclusions. These step-children ARE mine. I may not be their biological mom, and I would never try and take that place in their hearts. They love their mom, and they should! BUT...I am their Step-MOM....so, they belong to me.....now I have to figure out how to love them like a mother does and should.
I am taking baby steps. I am praying for help. I am praying that God will lend me a bit of His love for me to borrow as my heart grows and I learn to love more and deeper. I have decided I need to focus on their good....not their bad. I think this really goes for any relationship really....focus on the good, not the things that drive you nuts, and then you will have a paradigm shift. You will, because I am.
Today I took one of my step-kids to lunch....just the two of us. I have never done anything just the two of us. I was scared that we wouldn't have anything to talk about, or maybe this child wouldn't have fun doing this, but you know what? Over pizza and soda, we had a great chat. There were lots of stories shared, and I made sure to find something that I love about this child and SHARE it with this child. I don't do that enough. I hold back a lot. I hold a lot in. I don't always know where my parenting place lies in our home. It's hard. I struggle. Really struggle. But, with each baby step comes a small victory. It's the small victories that count.
