Dusting Off my Sneakers

It’s been a while. I promise the posting title will make sense…..several years ago I was diagnosed with post-partum anxiety. My son was about 9 months old when the diagnosis came. I didn’t even know you could have post-partum anything that late, but alas, it was my fate. I began taking anti-anxiety medication and even stayed on it through my last pregnancy. It was not something I talked about, and in fact, I was quite embarrassed that I have anxiety.

Well, with all that life has thrown at me over the past few years (full-time job, full-time Master’s program, step-kids, 2^nd marriage, floods, kids moving around, 7 moves in 3 years, you know…..LIFE!), I have had a hard time keeping my anxiety in check. I don’t share any of those stressors for sympathy, in fact, it drives me nuts when people tell me I am some sort of super hero Mom that handles all these things. Because, ask my family….I don’t always handle my life with grace. In fact, most days I feel like I am crawling out of my skin. It’s exhausting keeping a calm, happy face at work, and then coming home to a dirty house, or kids that have sat all day and watched TV, or knowing I have mounds of laundry, etc. Being a mom is hard. Being a full-time working Mom is HARD, and being a step-mom is one of, if not THE hardest thing I have ever done in my life. We all have struggles. We all have stress. And sometimes, I handle my stress pretty well, and sometimes I totally freak out. Majorly freak out. I am not proud of it. In fact, I hate it. Often times my husband will tell me that I love to stress myself out. WRONG! I do not love it. It just happens. I beat myself up over and over in my head, frequently asking myself why on earth something SO SMALL would make me so angry. Or why on earth I reacted the way I did. Most of the time I have no answers.

So, I decided to go back to the doctor yesterday and ask him to fix me. I wanted different medication or something to make me better. I know some people are totally against medication, and that is fine….we are all entitled to our opinions, but personally am thankful for medication and the advancements we have in the medical field. I have tried rubbing oils all over my feet and my hands, and they make me smell like I am wearing mosquito repellant, and they didn’t work for me….this isn’t about that…this is about what works for me. So, yes, he changed my medication, and I am praying it will help me handle a few of my life stresses, but two things he said to me have changed my perspective…..

1.       There was some medication I have for difficult moments, but I have been reluctant to take it. I filled the prescription in March, and I still have some left. When he asked me why I hadn’t been taking it, I told him I was worried I would become dependent on it and I didn’t want that. He explained a few things to me, which made me feel better, but his main question was, “What about your quality of life?” Hmmmmm, right, what about that? I WANT to feel better and I want to be happy. I am NOT ashamed to say that I am taking medication. There is a chemical unbalance in my brain. I take medication. The End on that.

2.       He told me that I needed to do something for ME. ME???? I don’t have time for me. I am so tired in the morning. I am so tired after work. He asked me if I have a hobby. Nope. I don’t. I used to, but I don’t anymore. He suggested that I just get up 15 minutes earlier and do something for me. ANYTHING for ME. So, I dusted off my sneakers this morning. About 1 ½ years ago I ran a ½ marathon. Today I could barely squeak out 2 miles. But, my run today was for ME. No one else. Just me. It felt so good.

I was researching how to help people with anxiety because my husband doesn’t get it. He asked me how to help me, and I didn’t even know. So, I wanted to share this article with you….

http://www.vox.com/2014/12/4/7262991/anxiety-disorder-help

I share this post with you all today to let you know there is nothing wrong with you if you struggle with anxiety. For some reason we don’t talk about it. But, I am who I am because of my anxiety. I am who I am because of the things I have experienced in life. My struggles and my happy times have molded me into the person I am today. I am SOOOOO far from perfect, but I am so thankful to know that I have a good support system. I struggle on a daily basis with the trials in my life, and being the best I can be, but I know that God loves us. I know that God hears our prayers and our cries for help, and HE IS THERE. I know it. I have felt His hands helping me when I just didn’t think I had anything left to give. So, to my friends that struggle like I do, there is hope. To my friends that have no idea what it feels like to feel like your chest is closing in on you and you can’t breathe, be grateful, but be supportive to those around you that may be beating themselves up inside because they aren’t handling things like you think they should. We are all unique. We are all children of God, and that is what really matters! Hats off to all of us that dust off our sneakers and get something done to be better.

How to Love a Child That Isn't Yours.....

This is a question I have asked myself a lot, especially lately. I am not going to lie....loving biological children and step-children is different. People told me before I got married that I would learn to love my step-kids as my own, and I knew I could. I knew my heart was big enough and that I was a strong woman that could tackle this challenge.

I have struggled. Really struggled. Now, don't get me wrong, I love my step-kids. They are fun, outgoing, silly kids. BUT....they are not MY kids. I did not feel them move around in my belly when I was big and pregnant. I didn't give birth to them and hold them when they were tiny. I didn't kiss their owies when they were little kids. I didn't bond with them for years and years and years. When Brett and I started dating, his kids were 14, 12, 10, and 8.

I still thought I could just jump right in and love, and that that love would be reciprocated right away. I was wrong. Like any good relationship, love takes time, and work. A lot of work. I have had good days where I feel love like my own, and I have had bad days where I want to run away and not look back----although I KNOW I would regret that fully.

So, as I have struggled with this, I have thought, "How can I love a child that isn't mine?" I have thought. I have prayed. I have pondered and mediated, and I have come to a conclusions. These step-children ARE mine. I may not be their biological mom, and I would never try and take that place in their hearts. They love their mom, and they should! BUT...I am their Step-MOM....so, they belong to me.....now I have to figure out how to love them like a mother does and should.

I am taking baby steps. I am praying for help. I am praying that God will lend me a bit of His love for me to borrow as my heart grows and I learn to love more and deeper. I have decided I need to focus on their good....not their bad. I think this really goes for any relationship really....focus on the good, not the things that drive you nuts, and then you will have a paradigm shift. You will, because I am.

Today I took one of my step-kids to lunch....just the two of us. I have never done anything just the two of us. I was scared that we wouldn't have anything to talk about, or maybe this child wouldn't have fun doing this, but you know what? Over pizza and soda, we had a great chat. There were lots of stories shared, and I made sure to find something that I love about this child and SHARE it with this child. I don't do that enough. I hold back a lot. I hold a lot in. I don't always know where my parenting place lies in our home. It's hard. I struggle. Really struggle. But, with each baby step comes a small victory. It's the small victories that count.

Sometimes I Want to Scream.......

Do you ever just want to just scream? Have you seen the movie Summer School? “Tension breaker. Had to be done!” (If you haven’t seen that classic 80’s movie, I recommend it!) I have been feeling like I just want to scream lately. Being a mom is hard. Being a step-mom is harder. I am not their mom, and I don’t pretend to be. I am the mom of my house, and that is a fact, but I told my step-children from the very beginning that I would not try and replace their mom. That is impossible. Their mom is their MOM! That would not be fair of me. So, what I can try and do is be a good role model and example to them. I can be the mom of my house, and that is about it.

BUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT……it gets SO hard and so frustrating when I feel like I am invisible in my own house. Have you ever felt that? You talk and ask someone to do something and you then have to say, “Don’t everyone move at once.” But when the dad comes in and asks for something to get done, it gets done right away? I don’t think this is unique to step-parents, maybe it’s how it is with all parents, but I have been feeling this frustration a lot lately.

I have tried to remove myself from the situation, and so I ask my husband to ask the kids to do this-results happen! It’s frustrating. I sometimes feel invisible. I sometimes feel very lonely, although I am surrounded by people. I sometimes want to yell. But, I don’t yell. I don’t’ scream. So, I feel like I have had a mini-victory.

When all else fails me, I think about this Seinfeld clip…..

Serenity Now

And now I can say………………..SERENITY NOW!

My Testimony on Adversity

My friend asked me to write my testimony about adversity for a class that she was teaching at church. Here is what I sent.......

A long time ago I decided not to ask the Lord, “Why me?” when it came to all the trials that life has thrown at me. I have had sick kids, cancer, miscarriages, a failed marriage, loss of a home, the list could go on and on, but I have never asked Him, “Why? Lord?” I maintain that through trials I want to grow closer to the Lord, not be angry with Hm.

During my divorce, I remember thinking about so many I have heard stories of where they turned away from the Gospel and became bitter at life, at The Lord, at everything. I did NOT want that to be me. I turned my divorce into an experience very intimate with God. I utilized the atonement for my suffering-I cried to the Lord to help me get through it; to help me get up in the morning and be a good mom; to just survive. I read my scriptures with new zeal and determination. I attended the temple like never before, and you know what happened? I healed! I became well, both mentally and physically. My testimony of the atonement became strong. I know now that the atonement is not only for our sins, but for our pains. The atonement is for our loneliness, our despair, our feelings of not being able to handle our trials. I guess you could say I put the Lord to the test; I wanted to know for myself that the atonement is real. And I know it is!

Throughout all my trials I have felt the Lord so near. I know He knows ME! I know He knows each one of us. I have lived through the trials I have lived because they were designed exactly for me. I cannot control other’s free agency, but I can certainly control myself and my reaction. I decided long ago that a happy attitude will make my trials endurable. I am not perfect. There are days I cry. There are days I feel like I can’t endure anymore, but then I pick myself up, dust myself off, leave my pity party and go to work. I serve the Lord the best I can, and He makes up the difference.

He loves us so much. He allows us to have trials to grow closer to Him, and to be able to serve Him. I can’t tell you how many times I have been able to help other endure their trials because I have lived through something. That is how the Gospel works. We learn, and then we serve with all our hearts, and the Lord pours out His blessings. I have experienced great trials in my life, but I love the Lord so much, and I am so thankful I have lived through what I have, because in every trial I have been able to find the silver lining, and my relationship with God is strong, and I would never change that for any trial I have experienced. 

Doing the BEST We Can....

Being a stepmom is hard. Being a mom is hard, who am I kidding? There are challenges when you are raising your own flesh and blood, and there are different challenges when you are raising someone else’s kids. You’ve heard all kinds of tales about “wicked step-mothers,” and step-kids saying things like, “You’re not my mom!” Although those specific words have never been said directly to my face, I feel like my step-kids don’t care what I have to say because I am not their mom. Now, maybe that isn’t fair to say, but I feel it, especially from certain step-children.

I remember back to when my husband and I were dating and we began to get serious….the “M” word was being used more and more, and I knew this man was going to be my husband and would walk beside me as I raised my kids. I remember thinking, “Who cares that he has 4 kids that live with him full-time? I can handle it! Being a step-parents can’t be THAT hard, can it?” Once we were engaged, I remember people saying, “You are the best thing to ever happen to those kids.” Or “Those kids are so lucky to have a mom like you to look up to.” I remember thinking that yes, I was going to be a good influence on these kids, just like my own kids. I want the world for them. I want ALL of my kids to be successful. It doesn’t matter if I birthed them or not….I want to be sure that I am the best example I can be.

I still feel that, of course, but I have noticed something over the course of the last few years….when I decided to say “I do” to my husband, I took upon myself his children, and his trials, and everything that comes with a broken family. At the time I had no idea what that meant, which is probably a good thing, because I don’t know that either one of us would have done it if we really would have understood how hard co-parenting and co-existing with two families really is. It’s hard. But being a parent is hard.

I have thought a lot about those words people uttered innocently when I decided to become “Jen” to children and not just “Mom.” Yep, I get called “Jen” by ½ the kids and “Mom” by the other ½, which doesn’t bother me at all. But those words, “You are the best thing to ever happen to those kids,” has haunted me. Truly. I put pressure on myself at that time to make sure my step-children turn out to be successful, college graduates, with a strong testimony of God, and a work ethic like no other. Do I want that for all the kids? OF COURSE….but is it my sole responsibility? NO! I can teach; I can live by example; I can talk until I am blue in the face, but the bottom line is that these little people we tend on earth have personalities of their own. Choices are made that we can’t change. We can teach and teach about how kids can make their own choices, but cannot ultimately choose their consequences. We can teach that the more obedient you are, the freer you are, but the bottom line is, I can’t care more about their future and their lives that they do.

Now, this goes for ANY child-biological, step, any child we teach. We can work and teach and pray to a Heavenly Father that our children will choose the right paths. BUT, DO NOT beat yourself up if your child chooses different than you would have him or her choose. It’s not a parenting fail. There are so many things about my step-children that I cannot control. Things that I did NOT teach them. Things that I wish they didn’t do, but in the end, they are kids. They have a bit of innocence in them, and I have to find that. I cannot put all the pressure on myself to prove to everyone else that they were right-I am the best thing to happen to those kids. I am not. I am human. I am just doing the best I can to show them a positive role model in a woman. I am NOT perfect-wow! I am FAR from it, but I apologize to them when I need to. I show them that I go to work every day. I show them how much I love their dad. I show them that through trials we can laugh and have a good time. I try and be happy, although some days I fail miserably.

The bottom line is, do your best. Don’t just say, “I am real, and therefore I will live messy, or I will let my kids do whatever, whenever.” I am not saying that, but I am saying, be gentle with yourself. When I figured this out, that I had put this crazy pressure on myself to be the perfect step-mother; to produce the perfect step-kids….I realized that I can’t. I am not perfect. My kids are not perfect. So, I do the best I can, and when I fail, I pick myself back up and try again. Each day is a new day, and a new opportunity to teach and show my kids-ALL of them-that I love them, and I love God. That’s what matters, not whether or not they become doctors, or lawyers, or gas station workers…..it doesn’t matter, as long as we are all doing the best we can!

In Case You Need a Laugh....

Kids are funny. They say what is on their minds, and sometimes they are little parrots. Brett showed this video to me this weekend, and I think it's so funny......

In Case You Need a Laugh

Enjoy! Just in case you need a little laugh!

One Thing I Forgot.....

I forgot to add this to my last post. NEVER, and I mean NEVER, EVER compare your worst with someone's best. That is what we often see....what appears to be someone's best coming forth, or we see them on Sunday and they look great, and then you think of all the things you're not doing, or are feeling inadequate. We do this a lot. A journey of happiness means that you kill that off....FOR GOOD.

How, Oh How to Stay Happy????

I have been asked many times, “How do you stay so happy?” Let me give you a little background on me. I don’t share these things to boast of myself or make you think I am some superhero, because I am FAR from it. I just wanted to give you a little background so you can understand why someone would ask me such a question.

Here are a few of the things I have lived through over the past few years:

• ·         2 miscarriages
• ·         A carcinoid cancer tumor
• ·         6 surgeries for me
• ·         8 surgeries for my 7 year-old son
• ·         4 special needs children
• ·         My 4 year old almost dying twice in 2014
• ·         A husband that decided he was gay and left me with 3 children under the age of 7
• ·         Losing my home
• ·         Re-marriage and inheriting 4 step-children- not all of whom have warm, fuzzy feelings for me
• ·         Drama with ex-spouses

Oh the list could go on and on and on….get why someone would ask me how I can stay happy through all this?

I have thought a lot about the answer to that question. How do I stay positive? Some days are good, and others are bad. I am not happy every second of every day, but I have figured a few things out, especially over the past 12 years of my life.

I have heard so many times that happiness is a choice. I do believe that to a certain degree, but I think there is more to it. Sometimes happiness takes medication. Sometimes happiness takes counseling. Sometimes happiness takes tears.

Let me explain….I once was at church one Sunday when I heard a Bishop say that if someone wasn’t happy, it was their fault for not having a strong enough relationship with Jesus Christ, and that everything could be solved with scripture study and prayer. I was livid! Now, don’t get me wrong, reading scriptures and having faith in Jesus Christ is CRUCIAL to happiness. I get that, but it doesn’t SOLVE everything, but it helps and helps tremendously. When I filed for divorce, I decided that I was not going to let my divorce make me bitter, and I was not going to ask God, “Why me?” Instead, I worked on my relationship with God and had faith, and it helped me through the misery. So, yes, believing in God is not helpful, but mandatory, even if that faith is tiny, use it. Build on it. You will feel better. But, I also believe that God has helped advance medicine to allow for those of us that live in chaos to be able to take medication. I know some people are totally against medication, and that is fine for them. But for me, I suffer from MAD anxiety. I take medication every single day….not “happy pills,” as some people call, but rather medication to make me who I really am. Medication to even me out, so I can deal with some of the trials I have been faced with. When I went through my divorce I had horrible depression. When I went to my doctor, he said that it was “situational” and gave me something to get through the hard times. It was a life-saver. I did only take anti-depressants for a few months, and it helped me get through the days where I didn’t think I could get out of bed. Thank goodness I had an infant- I had to get out of bed for him. But beyond medication, which may not be the answer for everyone, I learned a few more lessons on how to be happy….

Here are the things that helped me, besides what I already talked about…..

• ·         Do something for yourself. For me, it was cosmetology school. I already have my BS, but I always wanted to go to cosmetology school, so I did. And I learned so much about myself. For the first time in a really long time, I felt good at something. It made me happy. It made me feel accomplished. I started to feel better. I started becoming a better mom, even though I wasn’t there to put them to bed at night, as I went to school from 5-10pm every day…thank you to my parent’s for taking care of my kids so I could go to school!
• ·         I decided that I was not, not, not going to be a victim. Do you know those people that are always the victim? Yeah, me too, and I didn’t want to be one of those. Free agency is a hard thing. I was affected by something that someone else decided, but I was NOT going to let it make me a bitter person. I promised I would NEVER ask God, “Why me?” Instead, I made the decision to think, “Why NOT me?” It changed my paradigm.
• Let yourself cry. Holding in emotions is not always good for your soul. I haven’t ever used my tears to manipulate, and so sometimes I go in private and shed tears, and I usually feel better. My face looks terrible, and my eyes are swollen for a day or so, my soul feels better. You are allowed to feel ANYTHING. NO ONE can ever tell you that you can’t feel something. I was very careful with this too with my kids. So often boys are told not to cry. NO, NO, NO! I tell my boys they can cry and feel whatever they want….sometimes I just tell them they need to go to their rooms if they are crying because no one wants to listen, but I let them feel anything they want. Feelings are good. When I feel like I am going to freak out, I look in myself and try and see what it is that is really causing me to feel a certain way. Like, am I tired? Am I hungry? Is this really as big of a deal as I am making it? Sometimes it really is a big deal, and sometimes I just need to walk away from the situation.
• ·         PRAY! Whether you believe in God, or some other Supreme Being, PRAY! When you see that there is a purpose and something greater than you, it puts things into perspective. I find that sometimes when I pray, I ask, “God? Are you there?” And sometimes I wait until I feel something, and then I pour my soul out. I always feel better after I pray.

·         Have you heard the saying, “Fake it ‘til you make it?” Sometimes that works. Sometimes it doesn’t, but smiling and laughing is a good medicine for the soul, so if you can try and smile, DO IT.

·         One thing that TRULY helps me is that I try and find the good in what is happening. Let me give you an example…Last July Brett and I, and our 7 children were living in my parent’s house while they are serving a mission for our church in Mexico. We lost thousands of dollars of worldly possessions, and my parent’s loss is not measureable in dollars. It was devastating. TRULY. But, as I was distraught and lost as to what to do and how to make it through this trial, the heavens opened. Strangers came to our aid. I can’t even count how many people that I had never met before came and helped, as well as our neighbors and friends. There were miracles after miracles that I witnessed first-hand. As I focused on the good, the trial became easier. I shed many tears and had many sleepless nights, but I looked for the good. No matter what the bad is, there is always good to be seen. Even if it’s tiny. The more you look for the good, the happier you become. The more you look for the good, the more you can see it. This may be hard at first, especially if you have played the victim card, but I KNOW that the more you seek for the happy and good, the more you can see the happy things in life.

Life is hard. Life is complicated. We all have trials and things to work through. I know that as we look for the good, and work to better ourselves and focus on our faith, God will bless us. WE CAN DO IT! Surround yourself with good, and you will be happier. It’s a work in progress and doesn’t change overnight, but I am a living example that through trials we can still stay strong….like I said, some days are better than others, and don’t beat yourself up if you have a “bad” day….we all do, just don’t stay in that funk. Try to find something good to focus on….let yourself have a pity party once in a while, but don’t get stuck at that party…..work to move on. 

Welcome to my World.....

I have been asked several times over the course of the past few years, "Why don't you write a book?" Well, honestly, the thought never actually occurred to me. Who would want to read about my life? I used to blog. I used to blog religiously. I was the mom that took the perfect "candid" photos of my kids and posted them for the world to see....so I could show that my house was clean, my kids were dressed and groomed, and I had made them healthy food to snack on. My world was rocked after almost 8 years of marriage and I found myself a divorced Mormon. Dun, dun, dun......

My perfect world was no more. To be honest, my perfect world was fake....totally fake. If someone looked at my blog they would think I was happy, and perhaps some days I was, but it was my "virtual" world, not my real world.

So, the reason I write this blog is two-fold....it's like a journal (I have always been a terrible journal keeper), and second to let you know that you are NOT alone. What you see on Facebook and other social media, about your friends and those around you may be their "virtual perfection," and nothing more.

We are all human, and we have good days and bad days. I am a working mom. I work 40 hours a week; I am getting my master's right now in Human Resource Management; I have a husband; I have 3 kids and 4 step-kids, and as someone recently said to me, "Your family attracts problems." So, here I am....a humble mother and step-mother, trying to do the best I can. Some days I feel like a super hero, and other days I feel like a super failure. So, my blog is going to be simply reality. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Welcome aboard!