Doing the BEST We Can....

Being a stepmom is hard. Being a mom is hard, who am I kidding? There are challenges when you are raising your own flesh and blood, and there are different challenges when you are raising someone else’s kids. You’ve heard all kinds of tales about “wicked step-mothers,” and step-kids saying things like, “You’re not my mom!” Although those specific words have never been said directly to my face, I feel like my step-kids don’t care what I have to say because I am not their mom. Now, maybe that isn’t fair to say, but I feel it, especially from certain step-children.

I remember back to when my husband and I were dating and we began to get serious….the “M” word was being used more and more, and I knew this man was going to be my husband and would walk beside me as I raised my kids. I remember thinking, “Who cares that he has 4 kids that live with him full-time? I can handle it! Being a step-parents can’t be THAT hard, can it?” Once we were engaged, I remember people saying, “You are the best thing to ever happen to those kids.” Or “Those kids are so lucky to have a mom like you to look up to.” I remember thinking that yes, I was going to be a good influence on these kids, just like my own kids. I want the world for them. I want ALL of my kids to be successful. It doesn’t matter if I birthed them or not….I want to be sure that I am the best example I can be.

I still feel that, of course, but I have noticed something over the course of the last few years….when I decided to say “I do” to my husband, I took upon myself his children, and his trials, and everything that comes with a broken family. At the time I had no idea what that meant, which is probably a good thing, because I don’t know that either one of us would have done it if we really would have understood how hard co-parenting and co-existing with two families really is. It’s hard. But being a parent is hard.

I have thought a lot about those words people uttered innocently when I decided to become “Jen” to children and not just “Mom.” Yep, I get called “Jen” by ½ the kids and “Mom” by the other ½, which doesn’t bother me at all. But those words, “You are the best thing to ever happen to those kids,” has haunted me. Truly. I put pressure on myself at that time to make sure my step-children turn out to be successful, college graduates, with a strong testimony of God, and a work ethic like no other. Do I want that for all the kids? OF COURSE….but is it my sole responsibility? NO! I can teach; I can live by example; I can talk until I am blue in the face, but the bottom line is that these little people we tend on earth have personalities of their own. Choices are made that we can’t change. We can teach and teach about how kids can make their own choices, but cannot ultimately choose their consequences. We can teach that the more obedient you are, the freer you are, but the bottom line is, I can’t care more about their future and their lives that they do.

Now, this goes for ANY child-biological, step, any child we teach. We can work and teach and pray to a Heavenly Father that our children will choose the right paths. BUT, DO NOT beat yourself up if your child chooses different than you would have him or her choose. It’s not a parenting fail. There are so many things about my step-children that I cannot control. Things that I did NOT teach them. Things that I wish they didn’t do, but in the end, they are kids. They have a bit of innocence in them, and I have to find that. I cannot put all the pressure on myself to prove to everyone else that they were right-I am the best thing to happen to those kids. I am not. I am human. I am just doing the best I can to show them a positive role model in a woman. I am NOT perfect-wow! I am FAR from it, but I apologize to them when I need to. I show them that I go to work every day. I show them how much I love their dad. I show them that through trials we can laugh and have a good time. I try and be happy, although some days I fail miserably.

The bottom line is, do your best. Don’t just say, “I am real, and therefore I will live messy, or I will let my kids do whatever, whenever.” I am not saying that, but I am saying, be gentle with yourself. When I figured this out, that I had put this crazy pressure on myself to be the perfect step-mother; to produce the perfect step-kids….I realized that I can’t. I am not perfect. My kids are not perfect. So, I do the best I can, and when I fail, I pick myself back up and try again. Each day is a new day, and a new opportunity to teach and show my kids-ALL of them-that I love them, and I love God. That’s what matters, not whether or not they become doctors, or lawyers, or gas station workers…..it doesn’t matter, as long as we are all doing the best we can!