Dusting Off my Sneakers

It’s been a while. I promise the posting title will make sense…..several years ago I was diagnosed with post-partum anxiety. My son was about 9 months old when the diagnosis came. I didn’t even know you could have post-partum anything that late, but alas, it was my fate. I began taking anti-anxiety medication and even stayed on it through my last pregnancy. It was not something I talked about, and in fact, I was quite embarrassed that I have anxiety.

Well, with all that life has thrown at me over the past few years (full-time job, full-time Master’s program, step-kids, 2^nd marriage, floods, kids moving around, 7 moves in 3 years, you know…..LIFE!), I have had a hard time keeping my anxiety in check. I don’t share any of those stressors for sympathy, in fact, it drives me nuts when people tell me I am some sort of super hero Mom that handles all these things. Because, ask my family….I don’t always handle my life with grace. In fact, most days I feel like I am crawling out of my skin. It’s exhausting keeping a calm, happy face at work, and then coming home to a dirty house, or kids that have sat all day and watched TV, or knowing I have mounds of laundry, etc. Being a mom is hard. Being a full-time working Mom is HARD, and being a step-mom is one of, if not THE hardest thing I have ever done in my life. We all have struggles. We all have stress. And sometimes, I handle my stress pretty well, and sometimes I totally freak out. Majorly freak out. I am not proud of it. In fact, I hate it. Often times my husband will tell me that I love to stress myself out. WRONG! I do not love it. It just happens. I beat myself up over and over in my head, frequently asking myself why on earth something SO SMALL would make me so angry. Or why on earth I reacted the way I did. Most of the time I have no answers.

So, I decided to go back to the doctor yesterday and ask him to fix me. I wanted different medication or something to make me better. I know some people are totally against medication, and that is fine….we are all entitled to our opinions, but personally am thankful for medication and the advancements we have in the medical field. I have tried rubbing oils all over my feet and my hands, and they make me smell like I am wearing mosquito repellant, and they didn’t work for me….this isn’t about that…this is about what works for me. So, yes, he changed my medication, and I am praying it will help me handle a few of my life stresses, but two things he said to me have changed my perspective…..

1.       There was some medication I have for difficult moments, but I have been reluctant to take it. I filled the prescription in March, and I still have some left. When he asked me why I hadn’t been taking it, I told him I was worried I would become dependent on it and I didn’t want that. He explained a few things to me, which made me feel better, but his main question was, “What about your quality of life?” Hmmmmm, right, what about that? I WANT to feel better and I want to be happy. I am NOT ashamed to say that I am taking medication. There is a chemical unbalance in my brain. I take medication. The End on that.

2.       He told me that I needed to do something for ME. ME???? I don’t have time for me. I am so tired in the morning. I am so tired after work. He asked me if I have a hobby. Nope. I don’t. I used to, but I don’t anymore. He suggested that I just get up 15 minutes earlier and do something for me. ANYTHING for ME. So, I dusted off my sneakers this morning. About 1 ½ years ago I ran a ½ marathon. Today I could barely squeak out 2 miles. But, my run today was for ME. No one else. Just me. It felt so good.

I was researching how to help people with anxiety because my husband doesn’t get it. He asked me how to help me, and I didn’t even know. So, I wanted to share this article with you….

http://www.vox.com/2014/12/4/7262991/anxiety-disorder-help

I share this post with you all today to let you know there is nothing wrong with you if you struggle with anxiety. For some reason we don’t talk about it. But, I am who I am because of my anxiety. I am who I am because of the things I have experienced in life. My struggles and my happy times have molded me into the person I am today. I am SOOOOO far from perfect, but I am so thankful to know that I have a good support system. I struggle on a daily basis with the trials in my life, and being the best I can be, but I know that God loves us. I know that God hears our prayers and our cries for help, and HE IS THERE. I know it. I have felt His hands helping me when I just didn’t think I had anything left to give. So, to my friends that struggle like I do, there is hope. To my friends that have no idea what it feels like to feel like your chest is closing in on you and you can’t breathe, be grateful, but be supportive to those around you that may be beating themselves up inside because they aren’t handling things like you think they should. We are all unique. We are all children of God, and that is what really matters! Hats off to all of us that dust off our sneakers and get something done to be better.